I knew there was one way only.

I had to do the first step myself: I had to tell him my truth before he told me his.

I had to take all the risks - would he just laugh at me? - without any security of success.

That was so unlike me.
 

I wouldn't survive the humiliation of being rejected. 

I wouldn't survive if he just looked at me in pity, saying that I was a nice person after all and a good lad. I wouldn't survive if he patted me on the shoulder and said "it was ages ago, didn't even know you were still thinking of it! Let's get over it, we can be good friends now".

I wouldn't survive if I took the effort and confessed to him all the things I'd been hiding for years…and he simply wasn't interested in any of that. 
 

I wouldn't survive if he looked at me as you look at someone whose feelings you didn't return…I'd die if I got to see that weird mixture of pity and embarrassment in his eyes. 

The 'I-need-an-easy-way-out-without-hurting-him-too-badly' look: God, spare me, please.

Still, I had no choice and I was painfully aware of it.

Either I'd get everything or nothing.
 

Of course, I could just keep on being silent. 

But if I chose to be silent, then I would have to be silent forever: and I wasn't sure I would manage to do it. Better, I knew I wouldn't: I knew I'd regret it for the rest of my life and I'd let it out, before or later.

This was my chance and I wouldn't get another one.

I placed the empty mug on my right, fighting the urge to reach out for his hand over the table. 
 

I wished it was that simple.
 

My voice came out just louder than a murmur, my eyes were fixed on the table.
 

- I know what you meant before. When you said that you expected me to get scared as I knew that you're gay. You think that after your coming out speech, I'll be forced to wonder about myself. You think I'd get scared of knowing who I am.
 

He turned to me, not sure whether he could believe his ears or not. He didn't expect me to talk that way and he parted his lips as if he wanted to say something; still, he just kept silent, worried that I would stop if he heckled me.
 

- I'm not scared. I'm not scared, because I'd been thinking it over already - I paused and stole a glance at him. His jaw was tense, his eyes were fixed on the wall. I couldn't tell what he wanted me to say: was he worried of me being straight or being gay? - and whether or not you believe me…Rob, back then I didn't know. I swear I didn't. It took me ages to realize that I'm not what I wanted to be. You were gone and I wanted a girlfriend…
 

- you didn't want a girlfriend. You wanted to launch your solo career. It all started because of that, not because you wanted to cure your bleeding soul.
 

- I never hoped I could cure my soul. I perfectly knew I couldn't and you should know it best, since it was you who made it bleed - I hit back at him harshly - We had problems and it started to bleed. We split up and it continued to bleed. You went away and it started to bleed even more. You charged me with all your problems and it kept on bleeding. You'd been blabbing endlessly about love..but it's you who was the one who went away. It's you who was the one who never came back. I just tried to survive: I wanted a family like my parents had. I wanted to make them proud. I just wanted to be safe at least and..
 

- then I'm the one who didn't take on his own responsibilities. I get it's all my fault if you decided to live the lie. 
 

- thank God you're living a full truth instead - I replied being hit where it hurts - with your sham girlfriend upstairs and all your gay friends in the garden.
 

- I'm a liar and I know it. It doesn't change that you were the one who got a girlfriend to prove that you're not gay, because it would help your solo career. We all needed to show we were straight, didn't we?! We had been in Take That, after all. And you wanted to show it to yourself as well..and to your family. If I had been a woman, things would have gone differently. The truth is you chose her over me, because that way was easier. All the rest is bullshit.
 

- It wasn't just that. I was hurting and I didn't know how to stop it before I ended up standing at your door. I wanted to stop the pain and my pride forced me to show I no longer cared about you.
- you proved it quite well.

- It's not me the one who wrote the word 'end'.

- didn't you? not even that night? (*1)

- I didn't leave you.

- You made me leave you.

- I couldn't trust you! And after you've gone, what else was I supposed to do? Did you want me to out both of us while you were allegedly shagging with that noble girl whose name I don't even remember?! (*2) I just wanted a safe home to come back to, I wanted someone who really needed me, someone who wanted me for good. 
 

- you wanted to do what your parents expected you to do, that's the point and you know it. 
- I've already said it's true - I said slowly - I'm just saying it wasn't just that.

It took a moment before he realized what I had said in its entirety. He couldn't believe that I admitted being influenced by my family and I couldn't blame him.
I would never, never admit it, in the past. Not in a million years.
But the past was gone.
 

Rob was so surprised, though, that he even tried to be more offensive, as if he wanted to push me up to my breaking point, the point where I would stand up for my family throwing all the faults at him. 

Just that moment would never come. 

Not anymore.
 

-You've never talked about anything in your fucking family. (*3) The main rule has always been 'hide the dirt under the carpet'.
 

- I know. It's true.
 

- Your mother had to know. She knew it from the start. All that fuss about your trip with Nigel…she knew it (*4). She decided to dismiss her doubts, she decided to ignore the whole thing, because if she ignored it, you wouldn't be allowed to talk about it.

- I know.
 

- You let her decide for you.

- I was scared of losing her love.

- you think I wasn't?

- your mother is not..

- she's not as perfect as yours? yes, my father left her and she was a drunk (*5): you never hid you didn't like my mother, that's not great news (*6).
 

- I just wanted to say she's never been as rigid as mine. After your father left, you were all she had… she had to be more comprehensive than my mother has ever been. And you know what, she was soft and open minded, compared to my father. I loved my parents. I still love them with all my heart. I've seen them make all kind of sacrifices to make me happy despite the lack of money. They've worked so hard their whole life, getting nothing in return but a little house in that unsightly place (*7). I wanted to repay them, I was their only chance and I knew it. You're here trying to make it all look easy, but I know you struggled before you told your father.  

- didn't know you were into gossip. I see you've read all Kinsella's interviews (*8). 

- was he wrong?

- you're derailing the discussion from the key point: you wanted to be the man your parents wanted you to be. I knew you wouldn't be better. I knew it since 'Nobody else' was out. If you only knew how those few lines about your future life haunted me in my nightmares (*9)..

- Rob..

- I tried to tell you so many times - he was suddenly talking to himself more than to me - I told you we won't end like your parents .. I told you that you couldn't stick to the habits you had learnt ..I told you we'll never be like your father and your mother.. but you never listened to me (*10).
 

- How could I trust you! How could I trust you enough to put all my life in your hands! Should I risk all I had because you wrote a fistful of songs saying that our generation had got to be heard?! (*11) While you were insulting me on all the magazines at the very same moment?! You went away with no warning, you run away and you didn't look back! And before you left, I couldn't trust you either. I couldn't build a future with you, not with the man you had become. And you know it's true, that's the point!

- the point is you never cared about me and that's why I ran away.

- of course I didn't care, that's why my heart got broken as you left me and I wanted you to be a part of my life forever (*12).

- I didn't want you to write a fucking song, I wanted you to fight for me! I wanted you to ask me to stay, I wanted you to ask me to come back, I wanted you to care more about me than about your fucking pride!

- you know what? I wanted you to think of me before getting drunk! I wanted you to think of me before embarrassing me in front of strangers and in front of my family! I wanted you to think of me before cheating on me! I wanted you to think of me before going away! Even if I'm not good with words..

- don't worry, I know that!
 

- I know I took you for granted: I know it and I had so many lonely times to regret it. I didn't reassure you the way you needed to be..but on the other side, you never did anything to make yourself be trusted. You never did anything to win over my fears, you never tried to behave like an adult. You never took care of me. While I did try to take care of you.

- you didn't really try.
 

- I was blind in many ways, but I did try. I'm only three years older than you, forgive me if I've been unable to make miracles all by myself! I couldn't succeed over your alcohol abuse, over drugs, over our own concerns and fears..I didn't even know who I was myself! Without speaking of our managers..they didn't make it easy and you know it well (*13).   

- That's why I've always known that you'd leave me sooner or later (*again 13).

- I wouldn't.

- You would and I just left before you could hurt me.

- I tell you I wouldn't.
 

- are you gay?
 

The way he suddenly changed the subject made me freeze. 

Here I was, at last. 
 

I took a deep breath. I didn't know how to start, I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know who exactly I was: I just knew who I wasn't.
 

-  I don't know.. I guess I am - I said, feeling like a fool. I expected him to mock me because of this stupid answer, but he didn't say anything and I went on before my words could be replaced by an uncomfortable silence.
 

- I gave head to Nigel and it wasn't a secret. I had just two girlfriends before Dawn, I seldom saw them (*14) and I cheated on them with you the whole time. You were the first person I fell in love with. I've never been really attracted to women, but I didn't dislike them either..not completely, I mean. I liked them enough to pretend with myself that I could make it work. 

He just nodded, his eyes still avoiding mine. Was I doing it right? I had no idea.

The silence filled the air for a moment and then he added: 

- you call yourself bisexual then.
 

- I'm more clever than you make me, Rob. I know I'm not. I can stare at a nice bum, I can look at big boobs, but I've never felt true passion for a woman in my whole life. I can have sex with a woman without failing at it, but it has never been and it would never be like having sex with a man to me. And I know it  for sure, because I've experienced both. I find women are nice, I don't desire women. And it's not only about sex, it's about feelings…I've never ever had a deep soul connection with any woman. Never ever. I know that. And I'm a grown up, I'm old enough to know what it means.
 

- You know what, I was surprised when you went on dating her.
 

I suddenly felt my heart pounding in my ears madly. I had never really thought of it.. how did Rob feel about Dawn and me?! I realized that I feared of knowing it.  
 

- I mean, she was the exact opposite of what you wanted in any sense, even keeping the gender out of the frame. You've always said you wanted somebody funny by your side, somebody able to make you laugh.. and she's all seriousness and shyness. You've always said you liked dark hair and she's blonde. You've always said you wanted somebody who shared your passion for music..and she has never been interested in your career, not even in your songs or in music in general. (*15). You two have nothing in common, except for the fact you wanted a wife and she wanted to be a wife. 

I couldn't reply. I knew he was right. 
 

I perfectly knew I had chosen her because she stroke me like the right one to start a family with. Somebody who'd never interfere with my professional life. Somebody who clearly would stop working for the rest of her life as soon as she got pregnant the first time. Somebody who'd raise my kids in peace and quiet, a fixed point I could return to, a warm house where I could stay. Still wishing, in my sleepless nights, I could live in another world where everything was easier. 
 

- I knew you didn't love her. I had known it since you gave that interview where you said she was a good girl and a good one to start a family with. It happened in the first years of your relationships, before you two got married…and you didn't even say you loved her. (*16) It should have been the first thing to say, shouldn't it?! We've been asked about love in Take That..when we were together…and you didn't say you were dating a good person. You said you were in love. (*17)  
 

- she's a good mother.

- I've never said she's not.
 

- You've got to understand that it all started, with Dawn, after we split up. I was knocked down and I wanted to prove that I didn't care, that I could survive and my life would be even better without you. In the depth of my heart I never truly believed it would, but I strongly wanted to believe it in my mind. Nigel told me it would be better if I had a girlfriend, since we were planning a solo career; I liked Dawn and it was easier with her because we had already met years before. I made her understand I had had all kind of experiences in the past, hoping she would remember the balantly gay videoclip we filmed together in the late 80's (*18) ..and she would understand by herself. She didn't ask for further details and I was more than happy to dismiss the topic. I think she perfectly understood: and she stayed. She never asked me how this would affect our relationship: I expected her to ask me if I would get a male lover besides her, but she never did. I don't know if she was fine with whatever might come of if she just thought that the advantages of being with a rich man were more than the disadvantages. She was my only distraction after you left (*19). When she wasn't by my side, I was unable to face life alone: I couldn't sleep, I kept asking myself where you might be, if your nights were sleepless as mine, how did it all went wrong (*20). I couldn't go on like that. I needed to change and she was the embodiment of this change. Still, I never really thought I'd marry her. Maybe I hoped you'd come back, or… I really don't know. Until the pavement crushed under my feet and looking around, she was the only rock I could rely on. She was all my world and I just thought I could be happy, it would work, I really wanted it to work. All the things I had been taught as a kid - have a family, get a wife and settle down, be a father - became my priority after Angels topped the charts, the press turned against me and my solo career failed.
 

- but she was already pregnant when you married her (*21). I wondered..  

- if she trapped me.

- well, I… yes.

- would you blame her? We'd been together for five years and I kept promising 'we'll marry'…but I never proposed.

- then she trapped you.

- I wouldn't say that, Rob.

- did you propose before or after she told you she was pregnant?

- I proposed before.

- don't sell me the crap of your book.

- I proposed before: the book speaks the truth. 

- maybe..about that.

He paused, implying that I had written a tons of lies in the book.

 - well, let's assume it's true: then you proposed after Nicole Appleton got pregnant and we were engaged to be married. Now tell me, did you propose to Dawn before or after I proposed to Nicole?

- don't go there.

- but it's really weird coincidence, Gas.

- Robert I warn you.

- I'm right, then.
 

- what do you want me to tell? That I proposed to Dawn because I found out that you were engaged to Nicole and she was pregnant, so that I knew I had lost you forever?! That I proposed because I wanted to go on with my life once you published 'No regrets' shouting that our love was dead, that I was too short to carry my weight and that you couldn't help but hate me?! (*22) Fuck, you even shot the videoclip wearing the engagement ring (*23)! It was so unlike you, Robert! I'm sure you would never wear your engagement ring in your next videoclip if you decided to marry Ayda or whoever else! You wore it just to hurt me, don't even try to deny it! You shouted that our love was dead in the song and you showed me your brand new engagement ring in the videoclip just to prove it!
 

I realized I was out of breath, and I was taken aback by my own passion.

Before Rob could reply, I said - I wouldn't have married her if you had come back. That's why I waited so long before marrying her, but..

- bollocks.

- you never came back, though. You fell in love with your success. You spent all the time shouting that I had no talent.

 - you wouldn't have taken me back, if your career succeeded.

- that's where we've broken. You never believed I truly loved you.

- you put me in second place.

- I did and I regret it, but I I had time enough to understand how I missed you. You're right, I wouldn't marry you in any case. But I wouldn't marry her either. You broke my heart when you left.

- I hate to repeat myself, but you never asked me to stay.

- I thought you'd be back. 
 

- it's not the same.
 

- I was sure you'd be back.

- because you never listened to me. (*24) 

- I couldn't find the words to express my feelings..

- unless it was in a the song.

- don't be that stubborn! you know I'm introverted. And that's not gonna change. If I don't show my feelings, it doesn't mean I have no feelings. I've been taught to hide my emotions and you should know it better than anyone else. There was no one to love me, there. No one in the whole world, except for her. My life was falling apart and you shouted all day long I was talentless.
 

- you knew I didn't mean it, you knew I never believed it.

- I didn't know instead!  How could I?! You were million miles away with Guy Chambers and your shining career and all your number one hits and your models and your one-night-stand boys, shouting to the whole world how much you hated me. And I was in the USA, without any friend, crying because I had been fired by the label. I was hurt and jealous and I came close to hating you..when I still missed you. When she told me she was pregnant, I thought I could give my life a sense, at least. I wanted to balance the mess in my soul and the cruelty of star business with a family like the one I had..I thought this marriage was the right thing to do for myself and for the baby, I really believed I could be happy, I really believed I could make her happy somehow.. I wanted to give this kid a stable life..
 

- that's so like you, Gaz. You'd rather be right than be loved (*25). You've never let me love you like I wanted to do.
 

- I know my mistakes. And I'm asking for your forgiveness. But I want you to admit your mistakes as well: you are just charging me with the entire failure of our relationship and that's not fair. It's not fair and you know it. And in any case, whatever you think of our past, you're not entitled to say I didn't love you, because I always did. What was I supposed to do after you'd gone? Was I just supposed to lie in a grave because you didn't want me anymore?!

His face cracked into a smile.
 

- what else?! What! - I shouted almost crying.
 

- just.. well - his voice broke as well, his breath was quickly fastening - I've always thought it was the opposite. I thought it was you, the one who didn't want me anymore. (*26)
 

- I've never stopped loving you. Not even a single day, not even when I hated you. I could never stop loving you.
 

He shocked his head in disbelief. His gaze lowered until I was not able to see his eyes anymore. 

I could easily tell he was fighting with himself, as if he wasn't sure whether to talk or not.

Then he finally spoke.

It was just a whisper: - what you mean, what you mean with 'never'? 

His big teary eyes turned to me, while he bit his lips trying to hold back the tears. 

I felt a lump in my throat, my eyes went teary as well and I just couldn't keep it any longer.

- I still love you.